Movie Review Monday: Drive

There isn't much I can say about "Drive." I thought it looked pretty bad when the previews came out so long ago but with a star-studded cast, I felt that it must be at least okay. Yeah, no. It is terrible. Truly an awful film.

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I will say this: the special effects were amazing and the acting was very well done.

This makes it at leaset worth watching...on silent.

The violence was very realistic and I bet the car chase scenes would be downright fantastic in IMAX. But why with all of the gruesome effects? The violence was unrealistic and unnecessary to the story. And don't get me wrong, I'm not some bleeding heart sap that can't take some gore. Puh-lease. I like action movies even more than my husband. I'm a hockey fan for goodness' sake. I'm not afraid of a little blood. But seeing Ryan Gosling crush some guy's skull in with his foot? Dear God. That was not something that I needed to have in my head. And when a very beloved (by me) actress literally gets her head blown off? Isn't that a little excessive? I think so, but what do I know?

Can we go back to when he was Noah Calhoun and all was right with the world?

Maybe that was part of the problem, maybe my past love affairs with some of these actors and their on-screen counterparts made me a little biased toward their roles in Drive. Maybe if I didn't know Brian Cranston as Walter White, or even as the dad from Malcolm In The Middle, I wouldn't have held such a grudge against his role in Drive. Cranston and all of the cast members of Drive did a fantastic job portraying their characters. They are all world class actors, that's for sure. But even when the cast is perfect, the acting cannot make up for the crapfest of a plot.

Chatkins Diet Rating: D+

YouTube Tuesday: How Girls Pack

First off, I want to apologize for the lack of Movie Review Monday yesterday. I only skipped out because, well, I hadn't watched a movie in the past seven days sooo that kind of put me in a tight spot. No new releases, no reruns on TV, not even a juicy/suckfest Lifetime movie. And I know what you're thinking. A giant nerd-ball like you didn't go see The Dark Knight Rises?!?! Nope.


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And no, my not going to see TDKR has nothing to do with the tragedy that occurred Friday morning in Aurora, CO. The hubs and I didn't go see it this weekend because we (and by we I mean I) were some box packing mutha-fuggas. I sold a lot of our unnecessary furniture on Craigslist and thus had to clean out a lot of our previously used storage solutions. And by cleaning out I mean I just dumped all that shit into some boxes. After selling our dressers I briefly considered packing all of our clothes except for a 3 week supply. The problem is that I pack like a girl. Normally when I go on vacation I tend to take my entire closet for just a few days. I mean, you never know what is going to come up when you're visiting family and will probably never leave the house....or when you're stranded on a cruise ship and you actually have a schedule of everything that will indeed come up. So reversing this theory, I know in my heart of hearts that I would end up leaving almost my entire closet for the three weeks that we have left in our home and utterly fail at packing anything.

By now you're probably saying to yourself, gee that's really nice. I didn't care to know any of that information whatsoever but...what the fudge does this have to do with YouTube?

Well my bored-out-of-your-minds thoroughly intrigued friends, my friend C introduced me to a series on YouTube called Jenna Marbles (it's ok, I also was worried that it was some sort of porn...it's not). Jenna is this totally adorable young chick who makes hilarious video observations on how people do normal mundane things. This one about packing is so funny I almost peed myself.

This is where you say, "It's funny because it's true" it true Seinfeld form.

Movie Review Monday: Haaaave You Met Ted?

Sorry, sorry. I can't help but throw in a little HIMYM humor when I can.

But of course I'm not talking about this Ted:

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But THIS Ted:


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While I have not been so kind in my previous movie reviews, I have to say this one was definitely worth the cost of tickets. I give it a solid A-.

Naturally, the idea of a living, talking, bong-hitting teddy bear is pretty far-fetched so anyone who comes out of this movie saying, "I just didn't think it was very believable" needs to get smacked right across the face. Neither is Star Trek, dip-shit, but I bet you watch the hell out it.

Most of the movie runs like one long Family Guy episode, but that's to be expected in Seth MacFarlane's first feature length film.

Mark Wahlberg is....well, Mark Wahlberg (terrible 1-dimensional actor but pretty to look at and at least sounds like he's from Boston).



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 Mila Kunis is spectacular as usual. She's so equally funny and gorgeous that it just isn't freakin' fair. Couldn't she at least have a tail or something?

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Being that "Ted" is CG-animation and brought to life by Seth MacFarlane himself, he's pretty much the funniest piece of fluff since Alf. A fuzzy alien who eats "cats" is pretty hard to beat though.



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 The real break out stars of this movie though? Joel McHale and Giovanni Ribisi.


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While it's absolutely no surprise that Joel McHale would play a really good asshole or that Giovanni Ribisi would be a really good creeper...they really showcase their natural born talents in "Ted." McHale is always deliciously funny but casted as a sexual harassing boss? Wow. Hats off to the casting director on that one. I mean, seriously, bravo. It probably wasn't a long list for that role but you really hit the nail on the head. And let's face it, creepy dad is the role that Ribisi was born to play. From the time that he was on Friends we've all thought the same thing "does that guy have a horrible disease or is he just a serial killer?" There is a scene where he dances to Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" and I, hand to God, spilled my popcorn because I was laughing so hard. Honestly, people, if that doesn't make you want to run out and buy tickets, well you don't have a sense of humor whatsoever. Life is probably going to be hard for you.

All-in-all I have to say "Ted" is a gut-busting good time. It probably isn't going to change your life but you will have sore abdominal muscles from laughing for 2 hours straight. If you are easily offended, this probably isn't your flick. You should really grow a funny bone though. God won't be upset with you, I'm almost sure of it.

I know after watching this movie, everyone wishes they had a magical bear like Ted, but I sort of wish that instead of a foul-mouthed bear, I had a sassy talking Cabbage Patch kid to rank of other people's clothing options with. Maybe a skanky Barbie with heart of gold. No no, Cabbage Patch Kid it is. That weird little belly button and butt tattoo always make me smile.

Movie Review Monday: Magic Mike

 

Actually...I would like to know what he has to do for twenties.

When the commercial for Magic Mike graced my television screen, I gave my husband the biggest ear splitting grin...to which he promptly replied with "go f yourself if you think I'm taking you to see that." What can I say, he has a way with words. Practically Hemingway in the flesh. Of course I never expected him to take me to a movie about male strippers (and quid pro quo babe), that's what girlfriends and gays are for. 

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Now it took a little finagling and a couple of trips, but my two girls A and J and I were actually able to get into a showing last Tuesday evening. We were crammed into "not very bad" seats directly in front of some rude ass middle-aged women. They snuck in beer for god's sake. And not even good beer, I know because I smelled it from the belches happening directly behind my head. I might not be very polite but at least I'm a lady enough to not sneak in beer to a movie theater. Go to the draft house for that shit, bitch.

Let me just say now, I want my 2 hours and $10 back. That shit sucked.

Obviously I, nor any other body in that room, did not actually go to see Magic Mike because of the compelling story line. I went because Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, Joe Manganiello, Adam Rodriguez, and Matthew McConaughey get (almost) naked and dance. But they tried to deliver a compelling story line that sucked, bad. The love story was weird. The supporting characters had like 2 lines at the most. I was elated to see the one and only Mr. Matt Bomer in this movie and his only lines were really creepy. Why in they hell did they cast him as a married perv? He's out and proud! And he looks and acts like a gay man. Why not cast him as a gay man? Most male strippers are in fact homosexual, from what I've been told. Why make it weird Channing? Why? 

I'm still not sure about Olivia Munn's character. And at one point, I kind of think they encouraged doing ecstasy. And for the record, Channing Tatum should never, EVER, cry. He was not put on this earth to be filmed looking pitiful. He is here to look hot. End of story.

Save your dollars for the live show ladies. And just imagine we live in a world where some day, there will be a place, where there are men as smoking hot as this cast actually taking their clothes off in real life. 

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I know where I'll be planning my friends' bachelorette parties in the future if that dream ever comes true.

Movie Review Monday: The King's Speech

So I really wanted to have some alliteration in today's edition of Movie Review Monday with Magic Mike. The fates would not allow it though. My friends and I got totally box-blocked (look it up at Urban Dictionary) at the theater yesterday when we tried to see Misters Tatum, McConaughey, Bomer and friends. We're going to try again tomorrow after work, hopefully with much more success. Get prepared for a full review next week.

This week's MRM will have to be about critically acclaimed and Academy Award winning The King's Speech. Those of you who know me well, know that I am a fah-reak when it comes to the British monarchy. I have no less than 3 books on the Tudor Dynasty. I watch PBS specifically to learn about Queen Elizabeth II's life on and before the throne. I know, I know. N.E.R.D.

I really expected to enjoy the story of Elizabeth II's father. Unfortunately, I thought it was beyond boring. I didn't even watch the whole movie. I just couldn't force myself to spend two hours reliving King George II get over his stammering problem. I will say the actors were fantastic! Helena Bonham Carter never ceases to amaze me. God that woman has talent spewing from her pores. And Colin Firth was amaze-balls as usual. The story line just didn't do anything for me. I felt like it could have been covered in 30 minutes rather than 2 hours. My apologies to the academy...I would hate to disagree with you, but that shit was lame.



Zzzzz Zzzzz Zzzzz



Now this looks much more entertaining



Movie Review Monday: Rock of Ages (NWR)

You might be wondering what the deal-io is with all of the NWR (non wedding related) non sequitur posts. There's 3 simple answers to this.
1) I'm sort of sick about talking about the wedding. I mean I loved it, I'm glad we did it. I'm just ready to move on.
2) In an effort to keep myself regularly blogging, I need structure in my life. So you will see "Movie Review Mondays" "YouTube Tuesdays" and "Wedding Recap Wednesdays" (well, until I can't possibly talk about the wedding anymore. Don't fret my pets, there's a lot to cover. Please contain your excitement.)
3) The scatter-brained crazy person writing this blog cannot possibly keep her train of thought on one subject. My apologies to all of you stream-lined thinking normal people. Also, you suck.

So without further ado...

When we saw the first ad for Rock of Ages while watching TV one night, I looked at my husband with the biggest "please please please!" smile slapped across my face. The same one that I use when I want fried pickles at...well anywhere that serves fried pickles. Being that it premiered on June 15th, my rationalization was "you can take me for my birthday". He reminded me that he was getting me a purse for my birthday and then I reminded him that it is possible to do both. Well the 15th came and went with my hubby out of town. You might remember my lament from a couple of posts ago. So when this weekend rolled around, this movie was my mission in life.

Friday night: sold out.  :(
Saturday night: sold out.  >:(
Sunday afternoon: SUCCESS!  :D

After being disappointed all weekend, we made sure to purchase tickets several hours in advance and showed up to the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema almost a whole hour before the movie started to get in line. A little excessive, I know, but dammit I was not going to miss Tom Cruise as Stacee Jaxx.

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I mean seriously. That guy, craze-balls as he might be, is one EPIC chamellion.

Once we got settled into our seats we ordered our food and drinks. If you aren't familiar with the Alamo Drafthouse, they have a full menu plus a bar menu. Granted, the food there is a little pricey so a night at the movies for two can be upwards of $50. The hubs ordered green chile queso fries and a beer. I stuck with a small (small = humongous) popcorn and a Dr. Pepper and we shared some fried pickle spears. Honestly...Frued would probably have a hay-day with my obsession with fried pickles.

Another perk of the Drafthouse is that before the movie starts, en lieu of lame trivia, they play cartoons or film clips pertaining to the movie that you are about to watch. So for Rock of Ages they played 80s hair-band music videos. It was both nastolgic and hilarious. David Lee Roth is a ham...and probably killer in the sack...just sayin'.

All in all the movie was pretty awesome. There were some goof-ball moments that I know made my husband roll his eyes. I wanted to punch Julianne Hough in the face pretty much everytime she came on screen...which was a lot, being that she was the lead. Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand were hilarious as usual but left me wishing they had rehearsed more. Mary J. Blige blew me out of the water. I mean wow. And Tom Cruise! Holy Crap was he awesome! Genius...just genius. Diego Boneta was...well...cute. And he had a fantastic singing voice. That's about it. I'm not a movie star or anything but I feel like you don't want your viewers thinking "well, at least he's attractive."

I bet the play is killer. If it's still running when we (someday far far off into the future) go to NYC I hope we can get tickets. It was clearly pulled straight from broadway with little to no adaptation. There were times when I could actually see the stage set in my head.

Thoughts leaving the theater:
Mr. Catkins: "I didn't know it was a musical."
Mrs. Chatkins: "Seriously? Have we met? Of course it was a musical."
Mr. Catkins: "Dork."

Ahhh wedded bliss.