***Let me preface this post by noting that it is about religion. If you are easily offended, please refrain from reading below. I promise not to be crude or judgemental, I am merely speaking from my heart.***
This year for Lent, I am not giving up pizza or candy or sodas or facebook or any other menial thing in my life. This year, I think I want to give up Catholicism. I know. Whoa. Hear me out...or don't. Whatever.
Let me back track a little bit for you.
When I was a child, my parents did not subscribe to any particular sect of religion. Don't ask me why. Then I would have to ask them why and that's a conversation I do not want to be a part of. God was a part of our vernacular. I never doubted that there was a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Not to mention I grew up in Abilene, TX. This town makes the Bible belt look like Sodom and Gomorrah. When I was in high school a teacher told us that our beloved town was in the Guinness Book of World Records for both having the most churches on one street (Buffalo Gap Road) and the most pregnant teenagers (Abilene High...jk, old rivalries die hard). There's some serious depth to that statement. Anywhoo, after my parents divorced (circa 1997), my mother converted to Catholicism. I celebrated Mass with her from age 11 and was Baptised and Confirmed to the Church myself at age 15.
I've always loved celebrating Mass. Especially at the church we (not-so regularly) attended in Austin. The artwork, the incense and especially when the devotion of the priest shone through in their homilies. I always felt closer to God in that setting. I've attended many a Protestant church service and just never felt the same. Again, not to offend anybody, it just wasn't my groove so please don't press.
So why am I taking a break from the one religion that makes me feel closer to the Lord? Because it isn't the religion that gives me those warm fuzzies. It isn't the rituals, the sacrament, or even the free wine. There's a fair amount of Cardinal rules that I've never once followed in my life. There's so much that I don't agree with that I practically wrote myself out of my family members' wills by not having a Catholic wedding simply because I couldn't go through with Pre-Cana and making promises to a Priest that I just don't believe in my heart of hearts. I'm not going into detail about that because this subject is touchy and I'm not trying to lose all of my friends at once. Not today anyway.
Considering my general lack of attendance at Mass since leaving Austin, you're probably wondering how this Lenten decision is going to change anything. I suppose the real thing I'm giving up is the guilt. The guilt for not fasting today for Ash Wednesday. The guilt for not going to Mass since July. The guilt for if/when I eat meat on Friday. The guilt for using birth control. The guilt for not having been a born-and-bread Catholic (for some reason this makes me a lower, much worse form of Catholic, ask anyone). The guilt for coming from a broken home. The guilt for thinking most of the Bible was written by sexist males a bazillion years ago who were just trying to form the basis of a well-functioning society rather than hard and fast rules that we should judge our every movement by (life goes on people, let's rework some of this).The guilt for writing this blog post because what is St. Peter going to say when he pulls this little ditty up on the Jumbo-Tron in front of the pearly-gates?
So please, do not pass judgement because your God is better, stronger, or happier than my God. I still have a relationship with the Lord that is personal between the two (or four) of us. There is no doubt in that for me. I'm just taking a break from the bureaucracy of religion to refocus my beliefs. Perhaps this isn't good for me, you're saying shaking your head at your computer/tablet/phone. But perhaps, this is the best thing for me. To take a step back and breath and discover God on His terms, not on the terms of someone else.
P.S. The Pope quit so I can too. (this is a joke, so just chillax)
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