Funnie Friday

K guys, I know it isn't YouTube Tuesday, but something very important was brought to my attention. There is a YouTube video of "Teach Me How To Dougie" set to the 90's kids show brilliance that was Doug.

Watch. Laugh. Cross this off of your Bucket List.

Oh. Em. Gee.

YouTube Tuesday: So Over It.

Guys, it's official. I'm breaking up with Glee. We had a good run, but I just can't do it anymore. This afternoon, I'm deleting it off of my Hulu+ Queue for good. I'm hoping we can remain friends, or at least casual acquaintances, but the romance is dead.

Let me take you back...way back...way way way back to when yours truly was in high school. You see, as a member of choir, drama club, and pep squad I was a veritable tri-fecta of Loser. I was everything that teen sitcoms of the early 2000s made fun of. Being friends with half of the marching band and being in every honors class possible didn't help either. So when Glee premiered years later, I couldn't even watch it because it rang so close to home. It wasn't until the end of season 1 that I flipped over to Fox, because of a particularly gruesome scene on Grey's Anatomy, and saw the embodiment of my every dream-Idina Menzel-singing my favorite Les Mis song with Rachel.

And with that, I was hooked. I quickly transitioned to a full on Gleek before the season finale. I devoted my Summer Thursday nights to catching up on the story lines through re-runs. I downloaded album after album from iTunes. I fell hard and fast for Finn, Puck, and Jesse. By the time season 2 premiered with Empire State of Mind, I dropped Grey's like a bad habit and rose my Freak Flag even higher.

All through seasons 2 and 3, Glee and I were tighter than ever. I welcomed new characters like Sam and Coach Beiste. Together we sang, we laughed, we even cried at times. I even got my husband to watch it with me by agreeing to play the Glee Drinking Game. The season 3 finale, oh my goodness. I cried for twenty minutes even after it was over. Watching the gang put Rachel on that bus and seeing her arrive in Times Square, good lord, it was the thing drama nerds' dreams are made of.

But...

But...

But...Season 4? No. The new class? No.

Marley is NOT the new Rachel. Kitty is NOT the new Quinn. Unique is NOT the new Mercedes. And though he may be a Puckerman (in the weakest, easiest, lamest storyline ever) Jake is NOT the new Puck. And for the love of Pete, Kate Hudson will NEVER EVER EVER be the new Sue. Gag me with a spoon.

Glee producers, I know you are making BANK off of this show and are doing everything you can to keep the money train rolling. But let's face it, you really should have quit while you were ahead. This show used to be creative and fun, now it just blows. It's embarrassing how bad this season is and there's only been 2 episodes.

So let me know when there's a Jonathan Groff cameo, until then I'm out.

Youtube Tuesday: Two Things

I know. I'm late on my blog post...again. Sorry pals. I cannot even begin to explain to you how crazy work has been this week. Mostly because I've vowed to not blog about work. So you'll just have to accept my word that this week has been bananas.

Ok...I guess maybe we should scratch that title and call it Three Things since I kind of intro'ed with a video.

So first, um second, thing: Today I am a big cousin for the 8th time over! Flower Girl Gabizilla becomes Big Sister Gabzilla today...un-freaking-believable. Where does the time go?!?! It seems like it was just yesterday I got a very excited phone call from my Aunt K announcing Gab's arrival. That was almost 5 years ago though, and now it's time for her to play big sis to a sweet baby girl that we all can't wait to meet. So for today's first, dammit SECOND, video, I want to share a video full of the best thing in the world...BABY LAUGHS!!!! Who doesn't find baby laughs infectious? Voldemort probably. But that has to be it. Unless you don't have a soul...in that case, get off my blog! One day I hope to install my own tiny human laughing thing...a baby. One day! NOT TODAY. Get off of my case Grandpa! JK (sort of) ;)

For our final video today, I want to provide a public service. Should you ever find yourself as a proud owner of a mandolin slicer, USE THE FREAKING HAND GUARD. It will suck at holding your vegetables (or fruit, or potatoes, or anything else you plan on slicing), but it is absolutely vital that you protect your fingers. I know from experience. On Sunday afternoon, I sliced off a pretty sizable chuck of my thumb. I haven't lost that much blood since my last minor surgery. It still hurts like a b-word. It might help if I stop accidentally banging it into things. I would also like to stop wearing a crazy big band-aid but the stupid thing won't scab over. The rest of my thumb itches....gah! Ok. Enough about my appendages, or lack thereof. Here is how to properly use a mandolin:

And for the record, my days with the mandolin are over. Hubby says I can't even play the mandolin guitar. Looks like his days of slicing vegetables are about to be bountiful. Keep in mind this is the man who almost cut his whole finger off on a pickle jar. Maybe we should institute a no sharp objects rule in our house. Maybe. Definitely.

Movie Review Monday: The Campaign

Good grief, not THAT campaign. Are y'all as over it as I am? Can it be the second Wednesday in November now?

I'm talking about THIS campaign....

Yeah, I know. "The Campaign" came out over a month ago. It is a rare moment when my husband and I can go watch a movie together.  But we made it happen last weekend. Sure I should have posted this review the following Monday but work has been fifty shades of cray. Between usual mayhem there was a certain announcement made last week to kick things into overdrive.

The movie was all around pretty good. I wouldn't say it was fantastic. It was hilarious as to be expected but that's the thing...it was all pretty expected. We've all experienced the genius that is Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis has made his way into this gal's heart. By now, we've seen these characters. The dim-witted a-hole is Ferrell's bread and butter. Galifianakis is a borderline-mentally-challenged middle aged child at heart with well meaning intentions. In fact, I'm pretty sure Galifianakis just recycled his character "Seth Galifianakis" from his stand up. Zach plays his twin brother Seth who is remarkably similar to "Campaign" character Marty Huggins.

Gut-busting hilarious, no doubt, but totally seen before.

I recommend that you wait until this movie is out on Blu-Ray and share it with your ADULT friends over a bottle of wine and a big bowl of popcorn. This movie is def not kiddo-friendly. There are lots of (again, totally expected) raunchy jokes taken to the limit.

The real humor for me is seen best in the campaign managers played by Jason Sudeikis and Dylan McDurmott. These two really made the movie worth watching. McDurmott, who usually plays serious roles like his long run role on The Practice, was surprisingly awesome. His stealth-like campaign tactics were dead-on to what I can only imagine what goes on behind the scenes on real campaigns. Sudeikis' character seemed to be the only person in that town with any sense about him. Gotta love the humor that comes from someone who doesn't have to be wacky for the laughs.

Sudeikis and McDurmott in center being funny, and let's face it, totally sexy.

My rating: B+

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, is a day that I will never forget.
One year ago today, you said "Goodbye."
One year ago today, you announced that you would not be at my wedding.
One year ago today, you walked out of that church rec room and out of my life.
One year ago today, you told me that you needed a pet more than your daughter.
One year ago today, you told me I was a bad daughter for not financially supporting you.
One year ago today, you told me I was a bad mom to my dogs.
One year ago today, you told me I was a bad person all around.
One year ago today, you told me my husband and any future children do not matter as much as you.
One year ago today, you disgraced a group of women that have always supported you despite your displays of mild hatred.
One year ago today, your mother told me that once you were gone I would have no family left. She was false in that statement.
One year ago today, you did me a huge favor.

BECAUSE

One year ago today, I found my resolve.
One year ago today, I became my own woman.
One year ago today, I grew up.
One year ago today, my soul awoke from a shame enduced slumber.
One year ago today, a 44 year old weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
One year ago today, I felt all of the guilt and shame and sadness for being alive slide out of my heart.
One year ago today, I found pride in myself.
One year ago today, I gained control of my own life.
One year ago today, I found a closeness with God that I didn't know was there before.
One year ago today, I saw the true meaning of family.
One year ago today, I got the best damned pedicure of my life.
One year ago today, I learned how to be happy.
One year ago today, I felt the embrace of someone that loves me for who I am, not what I can do for them.
One year ago today, I became truly thankful.

THANK YOU

Thank you for teaching me that I can always rely on myself to get things done.
Thank you for teaching me why it isn't ok to break down in a moment of crisis.
Thank you for teaching me that happiness comes from myself, not those around me.
Thank you for instilling in me a constant need to impress.
Thank you for showing me that I can get a lot more done behind the scenes.
Thank you for teaching me that it really is necessary to grow up and be my own woman.
Thank you for teaching me that it is important to know how to get along with those across the nation.
Thank you for letting me see rock bottom time and time again.
Thank you for teaching me what is appropriate and inappropriate for my children to witness.
Thank you for instilling in me an appreciation for my dad that knows no bounds.

NO REALLY, THANK YOU

In all seriousness, thank you for teaching me that endless reruns of "I Love Lucy" can cure any childhood sickness.
In all seriousness, thank you for making education my first priority in life.
In all seriousness, thank you for trying as hard as you did. I know it must have been hard to look past the center of the universe to make sure I stayed alive.
In all seriousness, thank you for letting me spend summers with my grandparents. They did more for me in 6 weeks away than 3 months at home by myself could have ever done.
In all seriousness, thank you for getting me out of a bad situation, the first time.
In all seriousness, thank you for letting me dance to the beat of my own drum.
In all seriousness, thank you for being there those last two years of high school.

Thoughts For Thursday: Round 2

Yes, I know that title says Thursday. Yes, I know it's Friday. Yes, I am freaking elated that it's not actually Thursday; however, I did not get to write the second part to yesterday's "Thoughts" post due to an unusually busy afternoon.

When I was a Junior in high school, I had an a-mah-zing AP English teacher who taught me more about life, character, and creativity than grammar (she did in fact teach me quite a bit about grammar writing that I still use today.) I will always hold a place in my heart for Mrs. Mixon. Once a week Mrs. Mixon would have us pull out a notebook (back in my day we used the paper kind) and just write. Write stream of thought. She just wanted us to put every thought that we had down on paper. Sometimes she would read them, sometimes she wouldn't. If I were her, I wouldn't want to read the every fleeting thought of a bunch of 16-year-olds, especially the boys.Yuck.

A lot of these stream of thought entries helped me realize some quirks about myself. It helped me realize what set me apart from my friends, what my family really meant to me, and why it getting dumped for the first time probably wasn't the end of the world. It also helped me realize I need to work on organizing my thoughts before attempting college at an Ivy League school. The Ivy League thing never happened...and let's be honest, neither did organizing my thoughts. I have a hard time staying focused on one thing at a time. Saturday, while trying to take care of a few household chores, I found myself unpacking a box, doing dishes, and a starting a load of laundry simultaneously. You might say that's multi-tasking, but throw in Mystic Pizza on Netflix, and an hour later, I've only started these things. I haven't finished a single one because I forgot what I was doing while I was doing it. Squirrel! (You're welcome fellow Disney fans).

You can't not love this movie. It's impossible.

I thought I would try writing in stream of thought today, just to see what's changed in my mind over the past 10 (ZOMG TEN!!!! AHHH!!!) years. So here is fair warning, there will be little to no pictures. This will be random and long. Here's your chance to back out now.

READY, SET, GO!

I like coke. The cola, not the drug. Even though the cola used to have the drug as a main ingredient. I know it's poison. I know it will give me diabetes. I know my health is permanently depleted due to my love of coke. But it tastes good and I like it. I don't like the way it leaves my mouth covered in a syrup-like film. I don't like the judgement that I feel from every person on the damn planet because I like coke. Water gives me acid-reflux sometimes. Granted that's usually because I'm eating something deplorable and you just can't mix healthy with terrible, but that is usually why I chose a coke or similar cola to go with my meal.

Chill.

I also like milk. Like, a lot. I know, it's gross. It's not natural. Humans are the only mammal that chooses to drink the milk from another mammal. But I don't want to drink breast milk, natural or otherwise. Some lady's boob juice just isn't what I want with my cheerios in the morning. Mmmm cheerios. Again, I know that milk will be the ultimate cause of my demise. I know it's fattening, I know it's sugary, I know it causes acne, and obesity, and cancer, and probably nuclear war. I hate when people say nuke-u-lar. Why would you knowingly chose to sound ignorant? I guess maybe the same reason I chose to drink milk, the devil's (boob) nectar. But I like skim milk. No fat. Just yums. And, it's pasteurized for goodness' sake. It's not like I crawl under a cow every morning to get my fix.



This kid would though.

 Someone is using the vending machine. I wish it was me. No monies + an affinity for snacks = sad chubby girl. Oh wait! Some one's going on a donut run! Must. Not. Eat. Them. All. I probably shouldn't have any. I'll probably keel over after just one bite. Stupid hipsters and their healthy eating propaganda. Why can't I just enjoy life. I know to keep everything in moderation. I had a cup of white rice for dinner last night. That's pretty good right? I know babe, it should have been brown rice. Brown rice is obviously the holier-than-thou choice for rice. Unless you're paleo. Then all grains are Satan. There's no winning. No matter if I went on an all tree-bark diet, someone somewhere would judge me for making poor food choices. I'm saying screw it. As long as my family is fed and doesn't have an unhealthy reliance on fast food, then screw the rest of the world. Forget your smack talk, hipsters. I don't care if you think I should live solely off of quinoa and organic carrots. I'm sure in a week you'll come up with some reason why carrots are evil too.

I wish our air conditioner would fix itself. I think I almost died in my sleep last night from the heat. How in the hell did people live in this state before air conditioners? They must have been out of their minds. At least when it's cold you can build a fire. But you can't make it cold without electricity. Thanks to my husband for saving my life though. Out of nowhere, he busted in like Captain America with a window unit AC that wasn't really doing anything for the living room. I thought it wasn't doing a lot because it looked like it was from 1832 (joking of course) but once he installed it in the bedroom, that thing was a rock star. I actually had to get under the quilt. The jump from 95 degrees (my estimate) to a cool 73 degrees (again, my estimate) gave me a slight headache when I woke up though. Headaches + finally being comfy in bed = not an easy wake up. Starbucks was definitely in my future.



Mmmm Salted Caramel Mocha...which looks like Spotted Camel Mocha when written in chalk

 The cashier at the Camp Bowie starbucks is really nice. I want to hug her. She butchers my name but I'll be damned if she isn't the sweetest person I've ever met that early in the morning.

I have to go to the bank now. Lame.

See ya around.

Thoughts for Thursday Round 1

I promise I'm not starting another weekly post series. I think we've all realized how bad I am at holding myself accountable to that.

I can't make any promises that Movie Review Monday will be consistent because we live so effing far away from a movie theater worth our hard earned money BUT Wedding Recap Wednesday will live on...as soon as we get the desktop set up and find that effing wedding photo cd among the mass of unpacked boxes.

I know what you're thinking...dude, why in the hell aren't you unpacked yet? Haven't you lived in this gee dee house for like over a month. Yes. Yes we have. We have a bit of a spider infestation on the screened in porch where the boxes are stored though. And I don't mean those little tiny cardboard spiders that you don't even see until you adjust your focus just right and there it is hanging in front of your face. No, these are not Magic Eye Poster spiders (Yes, I made up the name of that particular brand of arachnids. Your move Science.) These are the biggest spiders I have ever laid eyes on apart from tarantulas. Or that thing in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. But I definitely act like Ron Weasley the first time he met Aragog the Acromantula.


Yikes.



Srsly.

I know that it is completely ridiculous to be terrified of spiders. If one more person asks me if I knew that I was bigger than a spider I'm going to smack them right across the face. This is Texas people. My old boss lost a chunk of his butt when a brown recluse bit him...on his butt. I need all chunks of my body to remain on my body, thank you. Unless you know a spider that performs liposuction.

 I've had more run-ins with black widows than I care for. And not the sweet pig loving Charlotte's Web kind. The I'll kill your ass if you come near me kind. So that is why I have not made a bigger effort to unpack and find the wedding cd. Because I am scared shitless nervous to be in my own house. I have to talk myself into sleeping at night without imagining a thousand spiders in my bed.

fabulous portrait created by yours truly

So in short, that is why there hasn't been a Wedding Recap Wednesday in forever. Please console each other in this trying time. I know how much you love to hear me ramble on and on about my wedding and show you pictures that you've already seen on facebook. It's like I'm in your head, I know.

YouTube Tuesday: Home

As many of you know I grew up as a military brat so we were never really in the same place for very long. Granted I spent the majority of my childhood living in Abilene, TX we still bounced around from house to house every couple of years as my dad's responsibilities in the Air Force grew. So while a lot of my friends have that one home (that their parents usually still live in) that they call home, there isn't really one house that stands out among the many that we lived in when I was a kid. Que the sad violin music now...jk.

Bad Luck Brian knows what's up at DAFB

There was one constant when I was growing up though, my grandparents' home in Swartz Creek, MI. I spent every summer there for most of my formative years. The great thing about summering in Michigan is that I got to miss out on a big chunk of the Texas summer when it's known to get as hot as 116 degrees outside. Not too much fun when you're a kid and you're bursting to go outside to play. My grandparents' home offered plenty of lush grass to roll around in (an oddity to a West Texas girl), fireflies to catch at night, and sleeping with the windows open. Now of course there was a summer or two when it would get into the 90s and the humidity would make life without central AC down right sticky. After a couple of days of the heat, a nice refreshing rain would come along and we would be back into the comfortable low 80s. My aunts and uncles would interrogate me as to how I could possibly wear jeans when it's 80 degrees outside. I would say something along the lines of "um, duuuh! This is winter weather where I live! Like oh my gosh!" I was a tween in the 90s. Sorry.

There would be "camping" trips to my great grandparents' lake house where my cousin Brandon and I would roast marshmallows until we got tummy aches. My grandpa would try to take me fishing, but I would put one foot inside the shaky canoe and freak out. I would then convince my grandma to go paddle boating with me and talk about big grown up topics (menses).

The Lake

Yesterday my aunt, who is more like a barely older-sister-in-law to me, Lindsay posted a picture of her little one, the sweet flower girl you met here and here and will meet again once I unpack the CD of wedding pictures, paddle boating with our great grandma at the lake house. Man oh man did that tug at this girl's over nostalgic heart strings. I would give anything to go back to the summer of '98 just for a few moments to savor being in that place. Being with family. Being outdoors. Being home. Being in love with JTT.

that's some pre-teen hunkiness right thur

I guess the moral of this little trip down memory lane is that home doesn't have to be a house or even a town that a person grew up in. Home can be a place in your heart where you are happy and know you are loved. Home can be a memory. Home can even be just the company of loved ones.