***Excuse me for taking a moment from regaling the tales of the wedding of the century (ok that might be an exaggeration...the wedding of the decade is probably more fitting)
No I'm not going to bum you out with a post about how my life sucks-waaa waa-boo hoo. I just think the events of this special day have been unreasonably sucky and would make one helluva comedy starring Elizabeth Banks. The only way to fully explain this is in time format.
The Evening Before ~
9:46 pm: Text from hubby letting me know he's working all weekend and I won't be seeing him until next weekend. Wonderful. This transition period really puts the "blah" in "Wedded Bliss."
10:30pm: Try not to give the husband a massive guilt trip all the while explaining that two weeks apart totally sucks. Go to sleep crying...I have no idea why I was so upset. Maybe because I rely on him to make me feel like my life isn't a total crap-shoot (a feeling that has been ever-present while this birthday approached. Getting older sucks big ones.) Maybe because birthdays can make someone feel even more alone in life than usual.
The Morning of~
6:00 am: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.
6:09 am: Alarm goes off. Reset alarm for 6:39.
7:18 am: Wake up to sound of garbage truck. Wait? What happened to 6:39? Oh, I set that shiz for pm. B-E-A-UTIFUL. I need to leave the house in exactly 7 minutes.
7:20 am: Brush my teeth and put contacts in at same time. Get toothpaste in my eye.
7:25 am: iPhone alerts me that it is time to leave the house. Scream from the top of my lungs, "I know asshole! Where were you an hour ago?!"
7:30 am: Pack make-up in awesome new
7:31 am: Realize the dogs haven't been let out. Go back inside and let the dogs out. Get sweet "happy birthday" slobber kisses on freshly cleaned pants.
7:33 am: Head to work. Only get cut-off 3 times. That's actually pretty good. Gotye would be impressed.
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| source |
7:57 am: Park the car and walk to the front door at work. Next door a sign is being installed for the incoming Great Clips. Get hit on by the sign guy who I'm pretty sure is Bam Margera's uncle Don Vito. Well at least with un-straightened shit hair and no make-up, someone wants to hit this.
8:00 am: Clock-in and commence saying Thank you to everyone and their dog on Facebook.
*Side note: There is no way Hollywood could ever remake Sixteen Candles now thanks to Facebook. Instead of Molly Ringwald's family forgetting her birthday, she would spend the whole movie thanking her pals from kindergarten for posting on her timeline...but just waiting for Jake Ryan's super cool-super smooth comment. Is it weird that the thought of Jake Ryan still makes me weak in the knees? Probably.
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| Every girl's birthday dream |
8:30 - 9:30 am: Actually do work.
9:30 am: Get a very awkward text from someone who walked out of my life months ago. Decide I need Starbucks in my life right this second.
9:35 am: Walk to the Target next door...in heels. BTW I'm a total n0ob at walking in heels. Oh God, the blisters have started already.
9:40 am: Manage to not fall down. Success! Oh, they're out of the fruit bowl I so enjoy. Grab a bowl full of mainly strawberries and blueberries. The one skanky looking mango slice makes it a Tropical Fruit Blend. Hmm...
9:45 am: Go to the in-Target Starbucks where they practically know my blood-type I'm here so much. Order a grande zebra frapp (with free extra syrup! huzzah!) Clamber back to work avoiding eye contact with the aforementioned Don Vito impersonator.
9:50 am: Open fruit bowl at desk. Skanky looking mango slice is indeed skanky. It's pretty much a slice of yellow rubber. The strawberries are mushed but hey, i found a kiwi slice that doesn't suck at all!
10:00 am: Push lame-excuse-for-fruit aside and resume Facebook thanking.
10:05 am - 12pm: Actually do work. Text husband. Successfully cheer up.
12:05 pm: DrawSomething (this has taken over my life)
12:15 pm: Check the Chive app for amusement. Succeed.
12:20 pm: Clock out for lunch and head to Subway for the Wednesday sub-of-the-day (Turkey Breast - my fave)
12:30 pm: Freak. The. Eff. Out. in the Subway parking lot. There are like 4 parking spots at this particular Subway and being that it is the lunch rush, all humanity has broken down into chaos. There were two cars already "vulture-ing" people walking out of the restaurant with their blinkers in full force. It was like college revisited. (If you don't get that reference, you clearly did not go to Tarleton)
12:40 pm: Attempt to drive across the street without a major accident. Wind up in the Taco Bell drive-thru lane. What the hell, I'll just go with it.
12:45 pm: God shines a ray of light on me and plays Mumford and Sons and Foo Fighters in succession on the radio. No, God does not work at 101X but I have to assume He put those in the play-list for me. Ya know, so I didn't go all "Allsups" on Taco Bell. Divine intervention is a many splendid thing.
12:50 pm: Shove not one, not two, but three taco supremes in my gullet like I'm in some sort of Cinco de Mayo eating competition from Hell.
12:55 pm: Drop sour cream on my favorite work shirt. Were you really surprised by this? Well you shouldn't be.
1:00 pm: Make it back to work in one piece thank the good Lord.
1:05 - 4:00pm: Actually do work...while watching my latest obsession, "The Tudors," on Netflix.
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| Jonathan Rhys Meyers makes me lose my head too, ladies |
I'm done whining now, friends. I have a six pack of woodchuck sitting in my fridge waiting on me. Hopefully, the traffic gods will smile down on me and I will see my dear woodchucks in due time.
Have a fantastic evening!
~ Mrs. Chatkins
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